Chaos Burning

For weeks now I’ve been trying to write. Trying to find something profound to say. Something deep and meaningful that makes sense of sudden, tragic loss. Words that provide the balm, wrap the wound in a protective sheath, and let healing begin. Thoughts and ideas that explain the randomness of life, the bizarre selection process that says “You live. You die”.

God always enters the picture. “Give it to God” “It’s God’s plan” “Trust in God” “God calls you home”.

Really? Is God up there with a big wheel of fortune, spinning it all day long, playing the you live, you die game?? Why? To what end? Heaven? What the fuck is that exactly? Is this really how life works?

You can be mad at God, it’s ok. I’m furious. Pissed. Appalled. Disbelieving.

I’m angry that my son is hurting so much, that he’s lost the love of his life, that he has to fight to see a little boy who called him dad, that he has to go through this at all. Where is the justice? The fairness of it all?

Is it karma? Do our past actions determine our fate? What did she do to deserve that?? What did that bright, beautiful spirit of 26 years do? Are you telling me she’s responsible??

We live this life to learn lessons for the next. Yet we’re erased? GONE? We leave behind an entire existence of people who love us, people who counted on us, little boys who need their mommy.

It makes no fucking sense.

So how do we process? How do we go on? Why do we wake up every morning, put on our shoes, walk out the door?

Hope.

It is the idea that we are more than flesh and blood. That we are animated through an energy that can never dissipate, only move and change. That we are beings capable of self awareness, compassion, and empathy. That when all feels lost, the hug of another fills us with their energy, recharges us, connects us to each other. It’s the reminder that we are in this together, that no one is immune, that no one really knows. That our human existence is a chance to stand each other up, move each other forward, and hold each other when we can do neither.

But if we want something even bigger, something so much larger than ourselves we can’t even comprehend the enormity of its power then…

Love.

It is the essence of our energy. The core of our spirit. The fire that fuels movement, action, compromise. Without it, there would be no anger, sadness, or loss. Without it there would be no hope. Forget bone and muscle, love is what stands us up and moves us forward. We do it because we love. Because we have the capacity to learn, grow, and help another when they’re in need. Because we can listen. Because we can understand. Because we can try to.

So today, I’ll put on my shoes and walk out the door. What’s waiting? I have no idea. Will I be here tomorrow? It doesn’t really matter now. What matters is what I do today. Who I give my love to, how I boil it down and how I serve it up. I’ve often heard it said “I love you” is thrown around too much, that you can’t love everything.

The fuck you can’t.

Do everything, absolutely everything, from that place of love. From that deep, strong well of unending energy that moves and changes. The energy, that when we pass on, has to move somewhere, and let that energy fall upon you, spring up within you, and wrap itself around you. And when the pain is unbearable and the tears are coming in a seemingly endless flow, know that love is right there, giving birth to hope. Love is the balm, the dressing, the healer.

Never forget that you love. Never forget that you are love. And when we are nothing, we become everything. Love doesn’t dissolve, it transforms.

We don’t die. We’re shared.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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