Let’s Talk About This

Since I moved from Florida to Washington over four months ago, I’ve had a myriad of ups and downs to accompany me. From sheer elation of being able to head to the mountains for a day hike or weekend camping, to utter despair over the inability to find my place here. Wondering what I’m doing and even more so, why I’m doing it.

Quite often, sometimes more than once a day, I feel an overwhelming sense of sadness, hopelessness. Questioning every decision, and grieving over who and what I left behind. I had grand illusions of moving across the country, finding the perfect job, making more money than ever, and spending my free time on mountaintops and ocean kayaks. It hasn’t been so. And most days, when people ask me how I’m doing, eager to hear of my “adventures”, I do my very best to sound cheery with comments like It’s great! The weather’s fabulous! It’s so beautiful here! And while all those things are true, my emotions don’t quite match the words coming from my mouth. It doesn’t feel great. The weather is fine. It’s beautiful here.

Inflections missing, feeling numb.

And the more I try to force the This is what you wanted! You should be so grateful attitude, the more a voice screams, Grateful for what? The same struggle in another state?? And when people want to cheer me up, they inevitably say the same things, or share words of inspiration on social media, and while that is all well and good, while I appreciate the efforts of others to help me see the bright side – it continues to elude me.

Because I know, I do in fact know, that This Too Shall Pass, that I’m in a stage of transition and growth. But the pain. Oh the pain. Rising above it is so incredibly hard right now, so difficult to do.

My child had to put her dog down just last night. And I wasn’t there to comfort her. I wasn’t there to support her. I wasn’t there to let her lean her head on my shoulder and sob until she couldn’t anymore, and sob along with her. And the pain of that is excruciating. I’ve never been far from my children, never far. Until now. And the missing of them is palpable, I feel it as weight on my skin, immobility in my joints, and painted on my bones.

Efforts to cheer me have been mostly unsuccessful, and I’m becoming ok with that. I’m becoming ok with the fact that I need to grieve, need to feel this overwhelming sadness that grips me beyond repair. I need to locate the bottom, so I can climb back to the top.

Irony teaches me that the mountain I must inevitably climb first is one formed from heartbreak, reminiscence, and loss. Finding the strength is an ascent in and of itself.

4 thoughts on “Let’s Talk About This

  1. Hi Diana,
    Okay, I won’t try to cheer you up with words of inspiration :). You’re absolutely right that growth and change are painful. You’ll also know if it’s worthwhile, and how much more time to allow as well as what you need to do for yourself.
    I do have to compliment you on your writing. You’ve painted a vivid picture for your readers.
    I hope that your new place will feel like home soon.

  2. Diane. I’m not going to try and cheer you up. You don’t need that that is only something you can be ready for and nothing I say changes that and that’s okay. I’m going to comment on your daughters lose of her dog knowing the pain all too well. Yes its hard, yes having a shoulder to cry on is easier, but if you think for a minute that you didn’t help her cope with the pain you are truly wrong. You have shown your children huge amounts of courage throughout their lives. You have taught them strength and how to stand on their own. When Haley has her children there will be that first time she helps her child through a tough event. It will be what you taught her and even this awful time she will look back on and say yes it sucks, yes it hurt, yes I needed mom but because of her I knew how to work through it. Your kids are older than mine and I don’t begin to understand being away from my kids. I do understand the feeling of wanting to help but cant or they won’t let me. Haley wanted you there but I bet she didn’t need you there you taught her how to stand on her own two feet.
    As for your feeling about this change, my two scents on this. As you know I had a forced life change and do you know when it stop being hard? When I stopped making it look like I had my shit together. So when people ask you how you are doing tell them, “I’m fucking shitty and scared out of my mind.” “This is hard and I’m working on getting my direction out here. Turns out I was ready for WA but they need to get used to me.”
    You know why you are doing it? Because not doing it would make it worse. Not trying is a regret. What’s the worse that happens, you go back? You didn’t fail you didn’t let anyone down. Not even yourself. Most people are too damn scared to try anything new or risky. You already won.
    Lastly I know you have gone through many major life changes in your life time and they are all part of who you are. You have made it through them although tough at times you made it through. I’m sure there were times before you felt this can’t get any harder and you breezed through it. So start small and find little things to make you happy. And I’m not talking fort building adventures in the mountains. Photo bomb one of Katy’s three thousand outfit selfies, take a picture of an ant and smile at the irony of an aunt taking a picture of an ant, find little things to make yourself laugh and smile it makes things easier, but you know all of this I am not saying anything you don’t already know. Just reminding you.

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s