Square One

If there is one thing you’d think I’d have learned in my nearly 50 years on this earth, it’s that nothing goes the way you expect it to. Like, nothing. Not even when you are positive you know the play by play, that you’ve agonized every decision, thought of every contingency, and made every arrangement.

Still, nothing goes the way you expect it to. Like, nothing.

So, here I am, in this place of limbo. A place where I look back over the to-do list I made 3 months ago and see that most of it needs to be removed or altered. That where I thought I’d be and where I am are two very different things. This was my thinking on December 5, 2015, when I received news over the space of 15 minutes that would call that list into question. And shatter my trust in myself, and in many others.

But then, a spent a few days of pity and purging, where I just let myself feel all the total shit I was feeling. Where I allowed deep sorrow, fear of stagnation, and emotions mired in mud and muck not only to surface, but rule the day. Many days in fact.

Then, I stopped. Stopped the out-of-control bus I was driving, flying along way above the 50mph speed limit Sandra Bullock was allowed to drive, spiraling into a decision not yet ready for the making. So I stopped.

I hit the brakes, slowed down, and climbed down out of the driver’s seat. The universe, I believed, was trying to tell me something and I thought I’d been listening closely. But I missed something. So now, back to home base, back to the garage, back to square one.

Square One and I are well acquainted. Many times I’ve stepped back inside this box, rethinking and rethinking and each time I see Square One as total failure, the brink of destruction, thousands of steps backwards. But today I see it a little differently. I see the Square as a place to breathe deeply, slow down the pace, and evaluate. The universe sticking me right in the center where I have to face all four walls and all four corners before the direction is clear.

No wait, the universe vibrated, look again.

So I’m looking. I’m still moving forward as intended, with a move out of Florida on the horizon. And as much as I’ve focused on all the human preparations, I’m not sure I prepared my soul. And perhaps the journey is all about that soul, where it finds its true song, how it carries the melody. So I’m listening too.

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